Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
