i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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