It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
