God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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