how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
