I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
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someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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