She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
