I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
