Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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