"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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