Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
