Umm I'm too high to move.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.