He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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