If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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