The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
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