we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
