my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
