i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
