IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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