so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
