I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
