Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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