So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.