Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet