I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
