Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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