no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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