I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
