Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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