Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
