I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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