sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
