Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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