if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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