peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
