Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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