Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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