Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
