So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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