i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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