I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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