I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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