My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
two words...techno handjob
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
