come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i drank out of a bidet.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
