omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
