Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
