I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
