I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
