I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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