I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
