I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
