you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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