I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
