This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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