Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.