I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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