I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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