I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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